Why We Need to Overcome Fear of Change
I must be a glutton for punishment, because I’ve barely got this site up and rolling and I’m about to take on the biggest topic possible. Fear. Or specifically, how to overcome fear of change.
I’ve known this was a big issue for me ever since I was a kid. I honestly can’t tell you why fear has played such a major role in my life, but it has. I presume it’s a factor for everyone, but lately I’ve been seeing it rear its ugly head in my life, and the lives of people around me. If you see something, say something. So I’m saying something.
Personally, right now this is showing up as fear of the unknown in my future. I get it, life is uncertain, and that’s part of what’s so great about it. At the same time, change can be scary. Even positive change.
We just put our house on the market last week. That’s a big change in and of itself. But just to make it spicy, we’ve decided to downsize all our stuff, move it into storage, and go travel the world for several months. Yeah, I know, it sounds great. Lots of people respond, “The dream!” when I say it. And it is. But it’s also scary as hell. I haven’t ever been intentionally homeless. But I’m about to choose that. A vagabond life, for an undetermined length of time. Frightening – to me anyway.
We All Deal With It
Around me, I see peers struggling with fear in other ways. One is going through a major shift in his business. Another is deciding if the relationship he’s in works for the life he wants to create. Then there’s one who’s getting married. One who’s retiring. And the list goes on. Granted some of these are more pleasant than others, but ultimately all of them are experiencing fear in their own way.
As of yet, none of them (or me) have let it paralyze us. We all keep moving forward. But hidden in the back of our mental RAM, and for some, probably more in the front, it’s taking up space. It’s burning energy. Doubts cross our minds, and we question our moves. And whether it stops us cold or not, it absolutely influences our decision processes and thus our actions.
And sometimes, beyond it just lurking in the background, taking up mental parking space it didn’t pay the meter for, it does stop us – cold.
Here’s the thing: fear isn’t the problem. It’s normal, common, and we all feel it. The problem is when we either let it stop us entirely, or it starts to carve a path for our lives where we do whatever we have to do to avoid it. We play it safe. Or, we don’t take risks that help us grow. We don’t make changes we know we need to make. Someone wrote a book about this very subject:
“Feel the fear and do it anyway!” ~ Susan Jeffers
Courage is never about being fearless. It’s about moving forward even when you’re afraid.
Everyone You Admire Had to Overcome Fear of Change Too
Fearlessness doesn’t really exist. Well, I only know of two cases where it does. One, in movies and books. And two, Alex Honnold, the rock climber from Free Solo. They studied his brain, and apparently he lacks the same stimulus response the rest of us have toward risk and fear.
Aside from those instances, everyone else who appeared fearless wasn’t. They were experiencing fear, and chose to move forward anyway. George Washington felt fear. Still led soldiers into the revolutionary war. Neil Armstrong felt fear. Then he went to the moon anyway. Your neighbor who opened a new coffee shop? Scared. Your parents who decided to conceive and raise a child? Afraid. It’s a common experience for all of us.
But for some crazy reason, we all watch these other people who are quietly finding a way to overcome fear of change, and we think they possess some magical skill. We think they’re all Alex Honnold, simply not experiencing the fear. Or, we assume they figured out the secret to not experiencing it. They didn’t. Because the secret isn’t not feeling it. It’s feeling it, and moving forward anyway.
It’s Worth It
In my own experience, I can tell you that the times I’ve accomplished something meaningful, it was usually in the face of fear. I’ve moved to a new city and gotten a major uptick in my quality of life. It was scary. I got married. Super scary. Also the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And now, a major life change of leaving our home and exploring the world, which is a complete unknown for me. And I’m sure it will be an enriching experience.
I’m guessing if you reflected on your life, you’d observe the same. A challenge that created fear, but the accomplishment despite the fear was immensely rewarding.
What Fear Is Actually Telling You
Look, fear isn’t a bad thing. It’s important. Sometimes it keeps you from doing something which could harm you. Afraid to walk into that dark cave? Good! The large bear inside didn’t want you in his living room anyway. Afraid to start a business? Good! It’s worth thorough consideration.
We need fear to help us avoid danger, and to cause us to pause for a moment before doing something foolish. It shows up loudest around the things that matter the most. Quitting or taking a new job, moving to a new city, giving up an addictive behavior, proposing to a partner, etc. It’s a flag to pay attention. But it’s not a stop sign. Unless you’re entering the dark bear cave, of course.
Here’s the mental reframing. If you never feel fear in your life, you’re playing it too safe. A lot of things worth doing come with a heaping helping of fear. And like I said before, that makes the accomplishment that much sweeter when you know you took the risk and had to overcome fear of change, uncertainty, and perceived risk.
How to Overcome Fear of Change When It Won’t Quiet Down
I don’t know if this will be good or bad news, but fear doesn’t go away. The relationship to it simply changes. If you continue to face your fears, you build up that “muscle” or skill. You strengthen it. You become more resilient, and although you still feel it, you also have experienced the value of moving forward anyway.
On the other side of that, and reflecting on your own past experiences, can you identify a time when you were afraid and it stopped you from moving forward? Then, in retrospect you realized that you’d missed an incredible opportunity, because you let fear paralyze you? I have. I’ll bet we all have.
There’s a Downside Too
Waiting for certainty is a choice, to be sure, but it also has consequences. If I had waited until I was absolutely 100% certain that I was ready to get married… I’d still be waiting. Thankfully I didn’t, because we just celebrated more than two decades together.
Or, here’s an even more complicated example. If you read my story about How I Hit Rock Bottom Twice, you’d think “Boy, I’ll bet he wishes he’d never have taken those real estate risks!”. And you’d be wrong. Even though the final outcome of that experience was an incredible amount of stress and heartache, I also look back on those years as a real estate investor with incredible fondness.
Man was it fun! It was the first time in my life I’d thought to myself, “So this is what people mean when they say ‘Love your work and you’ll never work a day in your life'”. I’d go to a house we were flipping at 5 in the morning, because I couldn’t wait to get there. And my wife would call me at midnight and ask if I was coming home, because I’d totally lost track of time. Yeah, it ended badly financially, but it’s an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world. It was worth having to overcome fear of change to do it.
What Paralysis Actually Costs You
So when we experience fear, and I don’t think I speak for myself here, we often obsess over the risk involved with doing the thing we fear. However, we unfortunately don’t give enough attention to the cost of staying where we are.
Hate your job? “But I can’t leave and give up my paycheck”. Fine. Stay, and be miserable. Just don’t bitch about it. Too afraid to ask that person out? Okay. Be lonely. It’s your call, but the pain of staying where you are seems worse than the risk of rejection to me. I could write a whole blog post on examples of ways we let fear get in our way, when we truly know that staying where we are isn’t a good option either.
“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” ~ George Addair
When I look back on times I got this right, and felt the fear and moved forward anyway, I think of what I could have missed out on. The wife. The career. The experience. And as I’m dealing with the need to overcome the fear of change in my life right now; what would happen if I didn’t sell the house, didn’t downsize our stuff, didn’t go travel the world? How many amazing things would I miss out on? What mind-expanding experiences would I not get the opportunity to grow from? What interesting people would I not get to meet?
Moving Anyway — What That Actually Looks Like
First let me say what it isn’t. It isn’t being reckless, or ignoring risk. And it doesn’t mean being impetuous or hasty. We’re not talking about blindly moving carelessly.
What we are talking about is not waiting until you feel ready, or until the fear is gone. In many cases, it will never be gone. It’s about taking that next action. Pause? Fine. Think? Definitely. Consider the options? Yep. Just don’t freeze. Give it your attention, but don’t allow it to become the entire focus. Taking action, despite any fear you feel, is empowering and also provides feedback. You can, and likely will, adjust as you go. But not because of fear. Rather, because you have new information, and can respond when it’s necessary.
We Need to Grow
So as I move into this new stage of my life, here’s what feeling the fear and doing it anyway means for me. I absolutely paused to evaluate our decisions. Should we sell the house? Downsize our stuff significantly? Put it all in storage and take off to countries we’ve never visited before? And after considering all those things appropriately, and yes, feeling the associated fear, I decided that I need to do this.
I want to grow as a person. And that comes by challenging myself (ourselves). My homepage photo on this site is from a trip to Iceland last year. I’ll never be the same after traveling there. (I’ll save that story for another post.) I know that seeing other cultures, topography, architecture, art, and meeting new people will broaden my horizons in a way they haven’t been before.
Will mishaps happen? Of course! Travel headaches. Language barriers. Rude people. All the things. And it’s all part of the experience. This will be good for me. I thought it through, and I made the decision that despite any fear, risks, or challenges, it’s worth it. I’ll also share this quote a very good friend said to me:
“This thing that you’re about to do, that’s causing you fear… millions of people have done it. So you can do it too.” ~ Anonymous
So whatever that thing is right now that you want to do, but is causing you fear: name it, acknowledge it, give it consideration. But be sure to focus on the downside to staying where you are. And give ample attention to the benefits of moving forward. Then write down the first (or next) step you can take to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Conclusion: How to Overcome Fear of Change
Just to recap: if you’re feeling fear of change, you’re normal. Change stretches you. It shapes you. And you need it to grow. As illustrated by my own experience, even when it seems to have a negative outcome, it’s still valuable.
Here and now, I’m giving you permission. Permission to move. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to wait until the fear subsides or goes away. As you progress toward that thing that scares you, you will adapt, respond, and learn as you go. And that’s a beautiful thing about humans.
And if I haven’t made it clear thus far in this blog, this is exactly what Your Mulligan looks like from the inside. It’s scary, it’s messy, and it totally worth it. I’m pulling for you. As always, if I can support you in any way, just connect or comment.